Being

End-of-the-school-year (G is gone camping for 3 days with her class, little graduation ceremonies, school concerts, outings).        Soccer season starts (P is playing competitive soccer this summer, which means 2 games per week  one hour after I get off work, which means rushing to pick him up at school, then trying to find time to get something nutritious in his body, then get him to his game on time…..plus practices and tournaments…..need to find alternative to McD’s….find time this weekend to come up with fast easy things to eat that can be prepared at home & taken along).       Mr. C has a new job (have to brush up my massage skills to counter those 10-hour days on his feet….and need to make those minutes left over at the end of the day count.   It’s nice to take care of those you love).     New digs await us in a few weeks (we haven’t started packing yet…..but we are SO ready for our new place with THREE bedrooms!  No more mouldy apartment……).    Meeting my new sisters-in-law (SIX of them!) and their families next week at a family wedding for which I don’t have a dress yet…….I tried one on yesterday, a nice cream silky number with a beautiful purple flower print & a sash, except I looked like a big grape   (no pressure, I still have 7 shopping days left……minus 3 soccer nights and one child’s friend’s birthday party evening, so 3.5 days left, really….ok, there’s a little bit of pressure there); need to find something that makes me look like I am, a happy woman, wife and mother, not something that makes me look like I’m rushing from one thing to the next, trying to keep up with this culture that imposes too much on everybody, and certainly something that doesn’t make me look like a giant fruit, no matter how tasty. 

So I’m taking this little moment with you, to breathe and thank God for all my blessings.  I don’t usually like to ask Him for favours, but if I can be given what I need, to be the mother, the wife, the woman that I have to be, that’s all I can ask for.  And I’m willing to put all my energy into being that being.   In spite of my human frailties.   Maybe because I’m such a human.

Blessings to you as you go on living your day and being your own being for those you love. 

Love,

Chantal xoxoxoxo

A Sunday-Snowed-In Recipe For the Soul

 

It’s been a weird day, weather-wise….stormy, cold, snow blowing, not the fun snowfalls that are nice to walk in, this is akin to a a rainstorm where it’s coming down and blowing all over.  Ick.  I’m sure I’ll have to shovel my way out of my parking spot tomorrow morning.

So, what to do?  Well, if you have a few canned tomatoes, here’s a Sunday Snowed-In Recipe for the Soul (if you live somewhere where there is NO snow, you can call it Sunday Rained-In Recipe or Sunday Grey-Day Recipe….)

First, you need your favourite beverage (mine is Two Oceans Cabernet Sauvignon), slice your favourite cheese (mine is Alexis de Portneuf goat cheese), and something starchy (I picked up a fresh bakery loaf of 12-grain bread today, yum).  Throw in a fruit and you just about have a decent snack-meal thing going on:

Okay, now you’re ready to get cooking.  This recipe is a marinara sauce that is so easy you can do it with your eyes closed (except for the onion-chopping and garlic-squishing).   The great thing is if you have kids, they can help, if you’re single, you can make it just for you.  Today I am in both categories, I have kids, but they’re with their dad this weekend, so I’m single, but I’m really not because now I have a soulmate to share things like this with except that he lives a million miles away, but I tripled the recipe and will freeze some so that I don’t get all stressed when the kids and I come home late one night and I think I’ll lose it if I hear one more “Are we having tofu AGAIN?!?!?!?”……ok, I’m rambling, I’m on my second glass of fermented grape juice…..forgive me.

So here’s the easy-as-pie recipe for homemade pasta sauce.  Feel free to add anything else you might like in your own creation (I’m thinking the next time I make this, I’m adding black olives):

2 tsp olive oil

1 medium onion, chopped

1 clove garlic, crushed

1 can (28-oz) diced tomatoes

2 tsp tomato paste

1/4 tsp dried oregano

1.  Heat the oil in a medium saucepan over medium heat.  Once hot, add onion & sauté 3 minutes until softened.  Toss in garlic & cook 2 minutes.   Have a drink of your favourite beverage.

2.  Stir in tomatoes (with juice), tomato paste, and oregano.   Drink again from your favourite-beverage glass.

3.  Simmer, uncovered, about 25-30 minutes.   Now you can REALLY drink your favourite beverage!

Voilà!  You’re done!

This is what my triple-recipe sauce looks like:

While it’s simmering, take your plate of favourite cheese/bread/fruit, grab your glass of libation, look at the snow coming down outside as you walk to the living room, pop in a DVD (my selection this afternoon is a British Ruth Rendell mystery, with Colin Firth at his angst-ridden best as Master of the Moor) and enjoy this day, alone in your quietude, or share it with your loved  ones.   While escaping into your favourite movie,  noshing on your favourite snack,  breathe in the wonderful aroma of your culinary talent, the Italian flavours that are filling up your home while your special Sunday sauce is simmering on the stove.  And know that whatever comes tomorrow, you can handle it.   

 Love,

Chantal xoxooxox

(The only thing missing for me was sharing this perfect afternoon with my loved ones….the good thing about recipes, though, is that they can be repeated as many times as required…honey I hope you like tomatoes….)

My Kitchen

Thank you, Polar, for tagging me with this one……

I’m supposed to describe my kitchen in rhyme, or set it to the rhythm of a song or however I feel I can accomplish it.   

Sorrow ( http://sorrow11.wordpress.com/2007/12/06/my-kitchen/)  and Jazmine (http://jazminesgarden.wordpress.com/2007/12/07/my-kitchen/ )  have done a marvelous job with this, as have Polar (http://2polar.wordpress.com/2007/12/04/57/)  and Hawk (http://whatisitabout.wordpress.com/2007/12/08/my-kitchen/) .

Here is my attempt, set to the Sound of Music’s “My Favourite Things”:  (ahem….)

Fridge magnets, piles of books, sitter’s phone number

Coffee pot, toaster, and barely-used blender

Sauvignon blanc and Italian Red

Sometimes my kitchen is better than bed!

Overbaked muffins and mushy egg noodles

Burnt Hamburger Helper and microwaved Zoodles

Clean as you go or you’ll never get through

The pile of dishes that makes one feel blue

When the bills come,

When I’m lonely,

Or I’m feeling mad

I simply remember my mom’s recipes,

And then I don’t feel so bad…..

Writing and blogging and feeling the music

Making creative juice out of a lim-rick,

Listening to P’s day or maybe G’s woes

My kitchen can tie all our hearts up in bows

Alone at the counter, eating and reading,

Cranking the music and like a fool, dancing

Chasing the blues with some warm comfort food,

Hot soup or pasta can only be good!

 With some patience, lots of humour

With much love and laughs

My children and me, living all that can be

In my kitchen so full of gaffes!

Polar:  the turn-around time on this tag was a little longer wasn’t it!  

 I have to say that when I initially sat & wrote this post, it was quite depressing, as I don’t really like my kitchen.  It’s a standard, square apartment kitchen with bad lighting.  As I’m not a great cook, I find I don’t enjoy doing kitchen-y things.   I fret about my eating, I worry about my kids’ nutrition, I stress about planning balanced meals……So I’ve been spending the last few days observing and thinking about what I’m doing in my kitchen that makes me feel good, and I realized that I do alot in here that I like:  writing, enjoying music, listening to my kids’ play-by-play of their adventures.  I experience alot of emotions in my kitchen, some bad, but mostly good.   And I find that loving my kitchen is alot like loving myself:  I’m imperfect and need improvement, but when I find that missing ingredient, it turns life into Life.

(I don’t know who to tag, so if you feel like sharing your kitchen in my comments section, please feel free, or if you have a blog, write about it and trackback to here).

Love, Chantal xoxoox

 

Good Grief

I’m tucking the kids in the other night, might’ve been Friday.   P has this forlorn little look on his face, and I know what’s coming. 

- Bonne nuit, P…..

- I miss you, Maman. 

- I miss you, too, chum, but I’m right here.

- I miss you when I’m at school, and sometimes I want to cry.  I miss you when I’m at Dad’s. 

- I know you miss me, and I know it’s hard….it will get better.  You’ll feel sad, then you’ll feel happy about something that’s going on, and you’ll probably feel sad again a little later, maybe the next day, about missing me, but now you know that it comes and goes.  And when you feel sad again, be sad, because you know that it won’t last very long.  So each time you feel sad and miss Mommy, think about how that sad feeling will go away soon, like a cloud being blown away by the wind…..

As I offer this feeble attempt at reassurance to my son, I look into his blue eyes and feel him looking at me, like he’s scrutinizing my face, my eyes, my mouth for that one magic word that will make him feel okay, that will take away all the pain he feels at the divorce, that one word that will restore his sense of security back to what it was.   That sense of security that I feel I can never replace.  We go through these bouts of anxiety every so often, and sometimes I just run out of words to say, so now I try to impart to them that eventually they won’t feel so sad anymore.    Coping with the grief of divorce has been like coping with the grief of death, for all three of us.    Grief is grief, no matter what kind of loss you suffer.

So P is lying there with his blanket tucked up under his chin,  all I see is his little blond mop & his angel-face, looking at me with the intent to extract some measure of comfort from my words.  I lean in, kiss his forehead, and wait for him to speak.  I’ve said enough, I see him absorb all of my well-intentioned words, I anticipate his response to be something along the lines of acceptance and understanding of the concept of “things do get better”.    I feel like Wise-Mommy…..And finally, he speaks:

 Maman, do hamsters have lips?

Once again, the resilience of children leaves me speechless as I hug my boy and chuckle that I’ll have to check and get back to him on that one…..  

Love,

Chantal xoxoxo

Miffed

Things that are making me a little snippy this morning:

- taking the time to reply to an email, and receiving the message that my reply was not delivered because the person’s inbox was full.   This has happened twice now.   It annoys me because this person was expecting a reply, I was going to reply yesterday but wanted to wait til the evening when I could sit down & reply properly, then last night we had an electrical storm so I didn’t even go online, and ended up going to bed at the same time as the kids because I was tired.  So this morning I felt bad & sat down to compose my reply to my friend’s email, hit send, and wham!  The message can’t be delivered because my friend’s inbox is too full.   grrrr..  

- having not been receiving real estate listings online lately, and advising the agent that maybe I fell off the radar (again), and asking to see a listing of a home that would have been very suitable for me, only to find out that it’s been sold (of course) for less than the asking price (go figure), because I was not aware that it was on the market in the first place BECAUSE I WASN’T RECEIVING ANY LISTINGS FOR TWO MONTHS!!!!  ARRGGHHHH!!!!   When I put in that offer on that last house  BACK IN MAY, that was the last of the listings that I was receiving online.  I should have clued in sooner that there was a problem (again) with the transmission of the online listings, but I figured that I wasn’t receiving any listings because there were no homes in my price range that were being listed!  And quite frankly, I expect my agent to stay on top of things a little bit.  I’m not a demanding client, I’m very patient, very easy-going.   And really, he & I have been looking now for over a year……he knows what kind of house I’m looking for and can afford, do ya think that he could’ve given me a heads up on this one?  I don’t know, call me & say Hey Chantal did you see that listing? I think it would be a good deal….ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THAT THE HOUSE WAS LISTED THROUGH HIS REAL ESTATE AGENCY!  Ok, I’m a little miffed….

I’ll get over it.   Breathe.  It’s very early in the morning to be stressing out over trivial things.  Must try to be in the moment.  Good coffee.  A new day.  I got to play Tooth Fairy again G was just here, all sleepy smiles, holding her Toonie. 

There, much better. 

Have a beautiful day, full of smiles and laughter to offset those little frustrations in life,

Love, Chantal xoxoo

Nasty women

 

 I was colouring my hair the other night, and while I waited the 15 minutes processing time, I thought I’d watch a little TV.  I don’t have cable or satellite, so I only have 4 channels:  CTV, CBC, Global and Radio-Canada.   This is plenty for the amount of TV I watch.   So I’m channel-surfing (ha!) and decide upon Global, which is broadcasting The Bachelor.  This is a little different from the other Bachelor show, I’m guessing, because in this one, there are 2 groups of women:  one group is comprised of women in their twenties, the other is a group of women in their forties. 

I’m not too sure what the rules of this stupid game are, because I tuned in to the middle of the program.   I’m assuming Mr. Bachelor has to make a choice eventually between a 20-something woman and a 40-something woman.   Reality shows are degrading enough, but what I saw in the few minutes that I watched this program brought the human race to a new low.

When I tuned in, the 40-somethings were all dressed up, sitting around a kitchen, I’m guessing waiting to spend an evening with Mr. Bachelor.  One of the women was saying how she was tired of having her heart broken.  Then, the magic of television brought us into another kitchen somewhere, where the 20-somethings were also all dressed up & talking.  But this is what I found most repugnant.  The women in their 20s were openly laughing and mocking the women in their 40s, with comments about their sagging bodies and their emotional insecurities.  I won’t repeat what they said, because as they’re saying these awful things about other women, I’m thinking:  Honey, one day you will be 40…and if you keep it up with that nasty mouth, you’ll be forty, friendless and fried from tanning beds. 

But it wasn’t just the comments that these women were making that I found, well, shocking.  It was the obvious glee and pleasure they were taking at tearing someone apart.   It was like watching a group of grade five bullies having the time of their lives recounting their harassment of a more vulnerable child, egging each other on to see who could come up with the most torturous tale.  This display of female machismo, directed at other women, was another notch on Misoginy’s belt.  I turned off the TV after watching that little segment, as I couldn’t stomache any more than the five minutes that were already causing me indigestion.    

When I see stuff like this, I think about the impact it has on society in general, that women will feel it’s ok to disrespect strangers, acquaintances, friends, family members, whomever.  That it’s even more fun to do it in a group, and to do it as cruelly and maliciously as possible.  That no matter what life experience you have, no matter your age or your intelligence, no matter if you’ve carried a life inside your body and have the stretch marks to prove your courage and strength at giving birth, no matter that you’ve battled a life-threatening disease, or gone on to higher education because you want to help people in whatever field you’ve chosen to study, no matter that you volunteer countless hours to something you believe in, no matter that you live your life as spiritually as you can so that people around you can also have a measure of caring and peace in their lives, no matter that you struggle against your fears, or have to deal with abuse in your life, no matter that you’re caring for someone you love who is dying, it makes no difference that you’re quietly facing the end of your life in a nursing home with no family to care for you.   None of this seemed to matter to these pretentious women.  

The bottom line for them is that mean girls get what they want, and whoever dies with the biggest breasts wins.

Good days

You know when things are rolling along, how good that feels?  Sure you do.  We all have good days, bad days, awesome days, days we wish we could erase and start over.   Yesterday was a good day.  I dropped the kids off at school after taking them to the coffee shop down the street for breakfast…..it’s become our ritual before we part for the week.  

Work is better this week…..I’m  accomplishing things, finding answers to people’s questions, resolving files.   If nothing else, this acting position has given me confidence in myself.  My co-worker is a big part of helping me to keep things positive and in perspective.  She’s a real doll, very focused on helping out our co-workers in their job.  She’s a ”glass half full” person.  We bounce ideas and problems off of each other all the time, and when our workplace becomes DivaLand, we look at each other & roll our eyes.   We talk, then laugh at the pettiness, and we move on with a smile, happy to do our job our way. 

After work, I visited with my sister, which was nice.  We talked about men and relationships, about her two adorable grandkids, and we reminisced about our mom, especially about my mother’s last days.  My sister is a tall, striking woman, and out of us three girls, she’s the one who looks most like my father.   Her brown eyes are sometimes piercing, often laughing, and always bright.  As she gets older, though, I find her eyes are taking on a softness that I hadn’t noticed before, and they remind me of my mother’s eyes. 

When I got home last night, I had a burst of energy, did a load of laundry, and decided to begin clearing out the kids’ room, as I’m moving them into my room and moving my stuff into their smaller room.  I cleared everything out, and now I’m in the process of dismantling their loft bed.  I should be done by tomorrow night, which means I’ll just have to clean & vacuum.  Once that’s done, I can move my bedroom furniture into the smaller room, then set up their bedroom.  Hopefully, I can get this done before I pick them up on Monday, but if not, no biggie.  I’m just happy to get this little project started.  And seeing the kids’ stuff piled in the living room every day will be more than enough incentive to see things back in their place. 

And I even had time to colour my hair!   It’s like I was telling my Little Soul Sister today, (who by the way is sizzling with her new haircut!),  changing my outside world, like rearranging bedrooms,  is helpful in restoring order in my inner world.  I’m sure that’s true for just about everybody.   I’m kind of dreamy and overthink & overanalyze just about everything.   If you want to find someone who fits the Piscean traits, that would be me.  So my inner world is often tumultuous and emotionally-charged, yet it seems that when things are chaotic in my life and I’ve got my head full of dreams, I can deal with anything that comes my way.   I feel I can do anything I set my mind to, probably because I’m allowing myself to want things and make connections with people, as opposed to feeling unworthy and not deserving of (pick one) being in a loving relationship/enjoying my work/being happy with my kids/being happy period.   I’m a solitary person and when I’m going through difficult experiences, I tend to isolate myself, because I need a little time to think about whatever it is I need to think about.   But here’s what I have found:  When I finally do express myself outwardly to others, whether reaching out when I need help, or talking to someone about something that needs to be resolved, I’m able to move on much quicker, instead of having these endless imaginary conversations in my head about whatever’s causing me stress.   This is not a new concept, I know, but I’m putting it into practice and am amazed at how well it works at restoring my positive energy.   It’s like Morgan Freeman’s character in the movie “10 Items Or Less“….he plays an actor who is researching a part as a supermarket manager, and the core of his character is someone who makes positive connections with people he meets throughout his day.  And how lives are made so much richer by the simplicity of reaching out to others.

Ok, I don’t know how I got from moving furniture to going on and on about the benefits of being open with people to Morgan Freeman, but there you have it.    Today was another good day, the weather was awesome, 34 degrees.   The long weekend is coming up…..life is good. 

Love,

Chantal xoxoxo

Moving Day

I’ve moved all my posts from http://crrz07.spaces.live.com to here, and I’ll need to do some fine-tuning, so I apologize for how some posts look…  In the weeks to follow, I’ll be adding and modifying things.  So thanks for your patience.

Hi there!  Welcome to my new home on the web.  I’m happy that I’ve made the transition to WordPress and look forward to spreading my creative writing wings even more.   Thanks to all the bloggers out there who inspired me to take the leap:  One Female Canuck, Iced Mocha, and Diva Poussine, among others.  You guys rock, man!

This has been a strange day…..a woman died at work today.   She collapsed just before entering the building at 7am this morning.   From what I heard, she’d had some kind of heart attack, maybe a stroke….. First-aiders tried to revive her, ambulance attendants were on the scene with the defibrillators, but she was gone already.  She was only 46 years old, I heard she had three children.  I didn’t know who she was.  I work in a large building with a workforce of over 1000 people at peak times.  But it still hits pretty hard even if you don’t know the person.  My Best Friend was the one who told me of this tragedy when I came to work at 9.  Visibly shaken, she said how you come to work thinking you’re going to go home at night, but…….then she said how she can’t imagine how the woman’s children must feel, being told their mother had died that day.  I had all these visions of my own children being told of my death……Then, on my way to a meeting this morning, I was walking with a co-worker who is also a first-aider, and he related to me some of the details of how things went down when other first-aiders were trying to help this dying woman…..I felt myself starting to lose control as I thought of my father dying…..

Then mundane details of work crept in, passive/aggressive conflicts with co-workers surfaced, there were too many meetings today, lots of unfinished business to take care of tomorrow…..the day was over, I came home after running errands, happily anticipating company for tonight (but no, the company couldn’t make it), then I discovered I have no hot water.  G & P called tonight to tell me of their day,  which felt really good, because I miss them immensely, and I fought back urges all day to take off from work & just go see them and hold them close to me. 

So this day is over, and as I reflect back, I offer up my heartache at missing my children, I offer up my loneliness which is really overwhelming lately, I offer it all up for the children of this unknown woman….may you have peace and may you always feel your mother’s presence in you.

This is too sad…..

Love,

Chantal xoxoxo