Sweet, But Not Made of Sugar

  

Saturday, it poured.  I mean, really poured.  Beautiful, big fat drops of rain coming down in sheets.  I walked to the library, and my jeans were soaked to the knees.  It was a great feeling to get home, change into some dry clothes, throw the balcony doors open so I could hear the rain as I made soup & grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch.   I watched movies, did some reading, painted my toenails, and generally puttered around the apartment, while listening to the rain.   I’m trying real hard not to let loneliness get to me, and sometimes I’m good at warding it off, but sometimes I’m not.   Monday morning, I dropped the children off at their father’s.  By Wednesday, I was dreading coming home to an empty place (and this was after having supper with my friends)….Thursday, I came home from work, had supper & then watched the light change in my apartment as the sun went down; I couldn’t muster the energy to do anything more than that.  Friday night, I took myself to Chapters & stayed til closing, just to be around other people.   And now another week without the children has gone by, and I’ve survived.   I’ll be picking up the kids in the morning, and I’m off work to spend the last week of summer with them before school starts. 

It’s not that I don’t have anyone to hang out with….I could call my sister or one of my friends.  And it’s not that I’m choosing to be by myself, either.  It’s more like I feel I need to be, because I suppose I’m in a sad mode and don’t want to bring other people down, and I don’t really feel like talking, being as I talk to people all day at work.   As I was driving home from work on Friday night, I thought about how, when you’re in a good relationship, you have someone there to hold you up a little when you’re feeling shaky; but when you’re alone, you are your own main support.  You can only receive so much from friends and family, in the end it’s up to you to prop yourself up and give to yourself what you need.   I guess it’s better than being in a bad relationship, where you don’t have support from the person who you should be getting it from. 

Sometimes, what I’d like is for someone to just be there, no talking required, just another presence so that I don’t feel so alone.    Which is why I’m really looking forward to getting a dog!  

See, I started this post, wanting to talk about rain and my mom, and I went off on this Lonely Girl tangent…..So, when it was pouring rain on Saturday, it brought me back to when I was about 4 or 5 years old.  My father had an Econoline van that he outfitted for us to go camping in, with seats that doubled as beds, a removable table & storage space under the seats.   One rainy day, my mom took me to the van parked in our driveway, and we went in & lay down on the seat/beds on either side of the van.    She told me to close my eyes and to listen to the raindrops falling on the roof.  It’s the best way to fall asleep, she’d say, to the sound of rain.    I did this for a few minutes, but then I opened my eyes just a little, and saw  that she had fallen asleep.   I took out my Crayolas & colouring book from inside the storage space under the seat & kept myself busy until she woke up.  It wasn’t very long,  I think she just needed to nap.   This might have been after she had gone through health difficulties and was back home after being hospitalized for what seemed to me to be a very long time.  In her need to get some rest, she gave me a wonderful memory….I can still hear the rain on the roof of the van, I can still smell my Crayolas, and I still feel that quietness as I watched her sleeping.

There, I can add “Reminiscing” to my Lonely Chasers list. 

Love, Chantal xoxoxo