Why these small things keep bothering me, I don’t know.
M called yesterday morning to give me the details of the articles that G will need for her week at day camp with the YMCA: lifejacket, swimsuit, sport sandals or running shoes or both, towel, sunscreen, etc etc etc. Then he tells me that he & L will be going camping for the weekend, and these are their coordinates etc etc, and to call L’s parents in case there’s an emergency for the kids, because he wasn’t sure he could be reached by cell phone where they were going.
M & I have a pretty good relationship, despite being divorced. We’re open in our communication, especially concerning the children, because we feel it’s important, and so far it works out really well. I actually like him much better now than when I was married to him. Well, ok, maybe not much better, it’s just different. Anyways, that’s why he was calling yesterday morning, to tell me all these things.
And here is one of those small things that makes me sad, makes me feel sorry for myself: they’re going camping together, alone, like the happily married couple in love that they are. I know I need to stay in the present and focus on my own blissfulness and stuff like that, but sometimes, I get sick of listening to my own bullshit. All I have is all I need, all I need is all I have…..yada yada yada. Well, sometimes I want what I don’t have.
I want. I desire. I want and desire to wake up every day to someone who I love and who loves me back. Someone other than me. I want to go canoeing alone with that someone, listening to loons and pitching a tent, building a campfire and having coffee at sunrise snuggled in a sleeping bag, scratching mosquito bites, doing some serious portage (that I’ve never done but would love to do with that someone who loves me who I love back). I desire to build something beautiful and share my dreams with that someone, and have that someone share his dreams with me.
Everytime M tells me that he & L are doing something or going off together somewhere, golfing or 2 weeks in France or camping blablablabla, I feel like screaming at him: WHERE WAS MY TIME ALONE WITH YOU WHEN WE WERE MARRIED? How come he didn’t make that kind of effort with me? But I don’t scream at him. I take it all in stride, as if he was telling me the weather forecast. But it’s really a barometer of my inner self that’s being measured.
I’m the one who left the marriage, in the end, because it wasn’t working anymore, I was tired of trying to keep it together, and I no longer loved him. It happens. Anyone who’s been in a relationship for a significant amount of time knows that it’s not just one thing that brings the end, it’s many things over the course of time, and sometimes if you add circumstances that neither of you could control……well, that just makes a bigger mess. And now in retrospect, I see how we were just not as compatible to be a couple as we thought we were when we set out. We’re good parents, but we weren’t good life partners for each other.
My point is, I’m the one who left, yet 3 years later, I’m the one who feels abandonned. When I initially left, I didn’t feel that way, I didn’t feel abandonned. As time has gone on and seeing him moving on with L (who is a wonderful person, and has my gratitude for being great with my children), I’ve increasingly come to feel that I’ve been left behind, and the grief and sadness kind of sticks, you know? I want it to let me go, to unstick itself from me.
He met L a year after I left, and yet I feel he’s the one who left me for someone else. I feel betrayed. There. I said it. I feel stupid saying it, but I said it. Very bizarre, very disconcerting, and it throws me off balance. I hate feeling this way, especially because that’s not what happened at all. It’s very strange and I wonder if other men or women who have left their spouses feel this way after a while, like they’ve been left and abandonned. He shouted and screamed and was very angry when I left, yet he’s done incredibly well for himself since then…..and in some weird way, I look back and think that although my leaving was initially for me, it seems to have been good for him, too.
When I left him, I knew it would be difficult, for all of us, that I would have to recreate a life for myself. That everything would be a struggle. It has been, and it continues to be. I think I resent him for moving on so well, in such a big way, with someone so great, while I continue to try and find my way home. Resentment is an awful thing to feel for your ex-spouse, and it’s even worse to realize that you felt it for too many years while you were married. It poisons and festers. I could say that one of the best things for couples is to talk about whatever’s inside of you, not to let negative feelings gain momentum until you can’t control them anymore.
But really, if you truly love someone, resentment doesn’t build until it becomes a wall that neither of you can see over. When you love someone (I sound like Bryan Adams……when you love someone, you’ll do anything…..) there’s nothing that will stand in your way of being present to that person, you know what I mean? Even if you don’t know how to address something that’s not working in your relationship with your soulmate, you try and do it, by any means you know how, and it will usually come out ok……because you love each other . So even if you screw up trying to make it right, it still will come out right…..because you love each other. But if you don’t love that person, even if you try to make it right, and have all of the tools to do it at your disposition, it’ll be ok for a little while, but eventually the writing will be on the wall, sweetie. And then you have to face the heartbreaking truth that no matter what you do, it’s not going to make it better…..because you don’t love that person.
So even if I would’ve talked about those resentments that I felt during the marriage sooner rather than later, it might not have made a difference in the outcome of our marriage. I take responsibility for alot of things that went wrong, and maybe I just want to cut myself some slack here.
I’m so not home yet. Here’s to enjoying getting there……
Love, Chantal xoxoox