April 14, 2007
I brought G to her friend’s today. They live in a wonderful house, the kind I should have but probably never will. The mom was showing me the “dance” room, hardwood floors, a huge mirror, a kick-ass sound system. That’s all this room was, just a big space to dance. I felt so sad, I could feel the tears coming so I tried to smile even more. I think that’s why I smile, it’s my defence mechanism; it helps me hide my sadness. Anyways, it reminded me of the room I had back when I was married, my room downstairs with all my books & music & my mirror to dance. My mirror that I couldn’t take with me. It was a reminder for me that I chose to leave and I have to be able to face losses because of those choices.
But facing losses shouldn’t mean that I’m forever going to be without, does it? Sometimes I think just the mere thought of wanting something makes it unattainable. I want a home for my children, a real house, not an apartment. And that seems so far away, if I can EVER even have it. Sometimes I think I want a man in my life. But I’m really confused about that too.
All I need is all I have. All I have is all I need. My passions shouldn’t be lying in things and people that are not there or that may not exist. I want (there’s that word again) to have love that I can live for, not die for. And I do. I have my children, I have awesome friends who are always there for me, I have a special person who gives so much. My disappointments in life, my struggles, my pain about the past, all these things help to make me stronger and, amazingly, happier.
P & I went for a walk today, to the bank machine then to Tim Horton’s, and I felt so happy with him, skipping in the sunshine, holding his little hand, talking about God & our spirit that goes to heaven when we die. I told him that our soul is the most important part of us, and it’s always here, even when we pass away. So if we see that Heaven is really here, right now, on Earth, where we are, then we can live to our fullest human potential. Instead of trying to figure out how it is on the other side. Heaven is where you are, it’s up to you to see that and make the most of what’s given. Cause it’s all that you’re given. Don’t waste it.
And as we walked & talked, I was thinking that, Ok, I may not have what I want. My life took a major detour & I’m still trying to find my way. But if I can remember to take it one day at a time, live in the moment, I realize that I AM happy, I AM fulfilled. Life is damn hard, but I always find grace and peace, and most of all, courage, in where I happen to be at the moment. I know I’m not always feeling this way, and I sometimes need to isolate myself and go in my dreamworld. But I do that to protect my heart and to gather strenghth to continue. This week was really hard on just about every level, and I moved through it.
P wants to use the computer now. He’s been patient all day….love that little guy. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, patiently waiting for me to log off of here, asking me questions about how much things are worth…..he’s the sweetest child.
All I have is all I need……all I need is all I have.
P.S. to the Reverend: I hope Sidney’s book is bringing you peace in your soul.
Love,
Chantal
xoxoxo
